The Moment
Part 1 -THE MOMENT
Sri Sri Guru Gaurangau Jayatah!!
The moment we found out about Srila Gurudeva’s physical departure, well I can’t say it was a ‘moment’, because I kept thinking that they got it wrong and Srila Gurudeva will open his eyes again. Srila Bhaktivaibhava Puri Gosvami Maharaj, I have heard, enacted this pastime. He performed his sickness-lila and it was understood that he had entered samadhi. Srila Bhaktikamal Govinda Maharaj recounts how at some point during the sickness-lila of Srila Bhaktivaibhava Puri Gosvami Maharaj, our Srila Gurudeva Bhaktivedanta Narayan Gosvami Maharaj came to visit him and told him to stop this sickness pastime because he still has many services to perform. It was shortly after this that Srila Bhaktivaibhava Puri Gosvami Maharaj got better again and not only started preaching again in India but also started travelling all over the world and opened many temples. Similarly, I could not believe Srila Gurudeva had entered samadhi, or if he did, he would come out of it. Even as Srila Gurudeva was carried on a palanquin through Navadvip town, on the video, he looked so effulgent and present, even then I thought he’ll open his eyes any second now. It wasn’t until the samadhi ceremony was completed that we started feeling closer to that ‘moment’.
But we still weren’t there, the ‘moment’ had not come yet. Because now it just felt like Srila Gurudev went travelling and we were used to sometimes not seeing him for several months on end. In fact, it was quite normal to see him only 2-4 times a year. His physical absence only started becoming apparent when we would gather with devotees in parikramas and festivals in which he’d normally participate, again physically. Internally we could and still can all feel his presence in the hearts of our god-siblings and greater god-family, we can feel his presence walking in Vrindavan and Navadvipa. Like the guru of Gopa-Kumara who seemed to have disappeared but would from time to time give darshan and instruct his disciple. We know we can and will find Srila Gurudeva sitting beneath a kalpa-vriksa tree. The external eyes may cheat us but having been acquainted with Srila Gurudeva’s smell; his aura; his mannerisms, like a dog that can find their master simply by smelling, the dog-like disciples can sniff out Srila Gurudeva’s presence anywhere and everywhere, even if he has chosen to be invisible to the naked eye. Therefore, still that ‘moment’ did not come.
But more and more time started passing and the once (comparatively speaking) united Sanga started unravelling further. More and more of the external climbing holds were falling off, forcing us to do the internal climbing work instead. Then lockdown came -which was all about looking within- and was therefore also the perfect or most appro1priate way of celebrating the centennial anniversary of Srila Gurudeva in 2021. And in this way, we started feeling Srila Gurudeva’s presence even more. We see him in the hearts of so many sadhu’s now, even more. He is present in his books and harikatha, even more! And now instead of coming closer and closer to the ‘moment’ of finding out or realizing Srila Gurudeva has left this world, not only did we move further away from it, but time also stopped being linear and I don’t know where to place myself in relation to that ‘moment’. Does that ‘moment’ even exist anymore, or has it ever existed? Was there a time, on a deeper soul-level, that I was ever without my Srila Gurudeva? And therefore, will there ever be a ‘moment’ I can be without him?
Sri Sri Guru Gaurangau Jayatah!!
The moment we found out about Srila Gurudeva’s physical departure, well I can’t say it was a ‘moment’, because I kept thinking that they got it wrong and Srila Gurudeva will open his eyes again. Srila Bhaktivaibhava Puri Gosvami Maharaj, I have heard, enacted this pastime. He performed his sickness-lila and it was understood that he had entered samadhi. Srila Bhaktikamal Govinda Maharaj recounts how at some point during the sickness-lila of Srila Bhaktivaibhava Puri Gosvami Maharaj, our Srila Gurudeva Bhaktivedanta Narayan Gosvami Maharaj came to visit him and told him to stop this sickness pastime because he still has many services to perform. It was shortly after this that Srila Bhaktivaibhava Puri Gosvami Maharaj got better again and not only started preaching again in India but also started travelling all over the world and opened many temples. Similarly, I could not believe Srila Gurudeva had entered samadhi, or if he did, he would come out of it. Even as Srila Gurudeva was carried on a palanquin through Navadvip town, on the video, he looked so effulgent and present, even then I thought he’ll open his eyes any second now. It wasn’t until the samadhi ceremony was completed that we started feeling closer to that ‘moment’.
But we still weren’t there, the ‘moment’ had not come yet. Because now it just felt like Srila Gurudev went travelling and we were used to sometimes not seeing him for several months on end. In fact, it was quite normal to see him only 2-4 times a year. His physical absence only started becoming apparent when we would gather with devotees in parikramas and festivals in which he’d normally participate, again physically. Internally we could and still can all feel his presence in the hearts of our god-siblings and greater god-family, we can feel his presence walking in Vrindavan and Navadvipa. Like the guru of Gopa-Kumara who seemed to have disappeared but would from time to time give darshan and instruct his disciple. We know we can and will find Srila Gurudeva sitting beneath a kalpa-vriksa tree. The external eyes may cheat us but having been acquainted with Srila Gurudeva’s smell; his aura; his mannerisms, like a dog that can find their master simply by smelling, the dog-like disciples can sniff out Srila Gurudeva’s presence anywhere and everywhere, even if he has chosen to be invisible to the naked eye. Therefore, still that ‘moment’ did not come.
But more and more time started passing and the once (comparatively speaking) united Sanga started unravelling further. More and more of the external climbing holds were falling off, forcing us to do the internal climbing work instead. Then lockdown came -which was all about looking within- and was therefore also the perfect or most appro1priate way of celebrating the centennial anniversary of Srila Gurudeva in 2021. And in this way, we started feeling Srila Gurudeva’s presence even more. We see him in the hearts of so many sadhu’s now, even more. He is present in his books and harikatha, even more! And now instead of coming closer and closer to the ‘moment’ of finding out or realizing Srila Gurudeva has left this world, not only did we move further away from it, but time also stopped being linear and I don’t know where to place myself in relation to that ‘moment’. Does that ‘moment’ even exist anymore, or has it ever existed? Was there a time, on a deeper soul-level, that I was ever without my Srila Gurudeva? And therefore, will there ever be a ‘moment’ I can be without him?
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